Missing you
by stilljustme
Summary: Severide comes into what once was home. And realizes it will never be again. Not without Shay.


_**To be honest, I haven't even got to see season 2 yet (so forgive me if I ignore Lindsay in here, I just don't know her) … but I just read a very very disturbing tweet and couldn't help writing this. Reviews are always appreciated and please let me know if this is real or not**__!  
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He found himself at the door to the apartment, pausing. It was late. He shouldn't rush in like that, maybe…

No maybe. The thought was gone as quick as it had come up, whirling around in his head, circling, haunting the next, and the next… but there was nothing to be gained in the end. His mind was desperately running away, but it was a hopeless flight.  
Just one more moment. Another.

As his eyes moved, automatically, to shove the tears away Severide realized his fist was still hanging in the air. Waiting to knock, as if he had forgotten his key. He hadn't. It was in his pocket, just as every other day, as if it was normal, as if all he had to do to come home was put the damn thing into the lock and open the door.  
But it would never, never be a home again.

Her face bloomed up in his mind before he could stop it, and it was enough to break down every wall of strength inside him.  
Shay.  
Severide broke down next to the key he had dropped, burying his face in his hands as the sobs ached through his body. It couldn't be true. Not her!  
Not her. Everyone else, yes, he himself, yes. It had been hell inside that building, and they'd been lucky for too long, he understood that statistically someone of them had to pay, had to die, but not her!

"Shay…" The name choked him but he kept on murmuring it, like a prayer. His beautiful, strong, stubborn, brave, funny girl.  
"Shay."  
The world had closed in to the little space between his fingers and his face, suffocating him but blocking out reality, blocking out the life that was supposed to go on outside.

His life would have to go on as well. The prospect should scare him, should make him cry even harder but instead a dull silence settled in Severide's head. Life was going on. Without Leslie Elizabeth Shay. There were still people to be rescued, still people needing his help… the most beautiful smile in the world appeared before his inner eye, and automatically he smiled back at the memory.

"Shay." It was a prayer, but the desperation had left his voice for the moment. If there was a god – and apart from this day, there had been too many good things in his life for him not to believe it – then Shay would by now sit at his side, looking down at him. He couldn't disappoint her.  
Not again.  
Shay's smile seemed to float around him as he unlocked the door, a warm, soft, forgiving embrace. They had gone through so much together. No matter what, she would always be a part of him. The best part of him.  
She had been there when Andy's ghost had accused him every night, and he had held her hand when she cried herself to sleep after Clarice had broken her heart, again.

She had fought against his fear of losing his job because of his arm as long as she could, and then she had made the biggest sacrifice she could, and almost ended their friendship. To save his life. Severide closed his eyes as he remembered the nightmare following Shay's departure then, the accident that almost – almost – killed her.  
An ill-sounding laughter escaped his throat. Almost. Shay had almost died then.

She was dead, now. For real.

She was gone. The apartment seemed to scream out in pain as he entered the once familiar room. It was wrong. It was all so wrong.  
Again Severide found his thoughts whirling, racing up like his heart, beating hard and loud in his ears, making him dizzy. He reached for the rail not to fall. Even the damn metal felt wrong, hot and cold at the same moment.

Gone. Forever.

It would never feel right again. Shay was a part of him, she was the reason he was still here, the reason he had not given up on himself long ago, and he knew he owed her more than that. He had to be strong, for her sake. For Dawson and Casey and all of them… all of them good people.  
And he'd give all of them if he could only get Shay back.

Just for one moment. Just to tell her that he was sorry, and that she was the only person that really mattered to him, the only one he trusted. Tell her that he loved her more than life, loved her so much that it was beyond the question of sexuality.

He couldn't. Never again.

Shay's smile never left him as he poured himself a glass of whisky and opened the window, and he was thankful for it. Obviously his brain had banned the picture of her… dead… because it couldn't process it.  
Process. Move on. One moment after the other.

Shay was a part of him, but a part could not be enough for a lifetime. He needed her. All of her.  
He should follow her, wanted to follow her. He couldn't do this without her.

"Shay." Severide looked down onto the streets. It wouldn't even hurt, as it obviously had hurt her when she died. One moment, and it would be over.  
One moment.

"Shay, you've got to tell me what to do." He looked up into the dark sky now, new tears flooding his eyes. "Please. Let me… I'm sorry. But I… oh come, on, you…"  
The glass dropped down, five floors downwards.

He couldn't. Again Severide felt his knees go weak, but he forced himself to stay upright. That was it. This was how it would feel for the rest of his life if he chose to stay. Every moment. Feeling as if the ground was shaking, as if the air was lacking of oxygen. Constantly.  
"I'm not strong enough for this, Shay" he whispered, "I know you would, but I'm not. Why couldn't it be me?" He looked up again, searching for her smile in the stars but it wasn't there.  
"Shay, please. Just... don't. Don't be dead, okay? I can't. I'm sorry."  
He closed his eyes as the words stumbled into the night, weak, pleading, helpless. Pointless.  
The sky was empty.

As the apartment. As his life.

"Shay."


End file.
